Bar Set Low For Men In Dating

The other day I was talking with a friend over coffee. We were both comforting each other after talking about our often traumatic anecdotes of our past relationships with men. Has it ever happened to you that you meet a man and you think that he shows himself to be different than other men? And this, in turn, makes you hold on to him although he may not be really good for you or to you. After pondering this, we realized the truth. And this belief actually makes us lower our standards which often leads to us accepting the bare minimum or even taking and excusing abusive or toxic behaviors from them. Why do we expect so little from our boys and men? Why is the bar so low for them? Are men not as capable as women? Are men not as capable to be loving, affectionate, thoughtful, caring, and nurturing as women? I believe they are. So, the patriarchy is not an excuse anymore for men not to show these qualities. It just makes him a normal human being who is having an affective and effective human interaction with someone he cares about. He is simply taking responsibility for the lives he created too.

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He is simply being a responsible father. As any other functional adult human being should for we all need to feed ourselves. Cooking is a survival skill , not something to praise. If he cooks exceptionally well and has taken the time to improve his cooking skills so that he can make delicious and yummy dishes then, by all means, praise. But if he can only cook like every other adult should then praise him as an adult, not as a man. Like every adult should. But being a woman makes you no fitter for housework than being a man makes you fit for the workplace. These are all old ideas about gender roles which are artificial, created, constructed by society , and which are often adapting and changing which only exposes their artificiality. Not cheating means he is a decent human being with integrity and values who knows that betraying another is also betraying oneself and who is mature and conscious enough not to hurt another human being in this way. So do any of your loved ones, and that is exactly what partners should do. Caring is a must for a relationship to work. He is not being in any way special or particularly praise-worthy, he is just being a caring human being who is interested in having an effective loving relationship.

Why should this be a surprise? All human beings should treat each other with respect. This hurts both men and women because for women it makes them believe they have to settle for being treated with minimal respect and for men it sets the bar so low that they can get away with just doing the bare minimum and being applauded for it. As any healthy human being can and should. We have all struggled with feelings and how to express them. We all need to learn how to communicate feelings in an assertive way. This helps us evolve and become better at human relationships. Like any other interesting human being. Does it make him an interesting and attractive human being? But not necessarily a good boyfriend. Yes, loving men exist and loving men are precious just like loving women are. Are they not capable of love and of being loving? Of course, they are! They are also humans capable of loving and showing affection! It is not something to wonder about, it is a human quality to be affectionate.

24 Standards That Are Bare Minimum in a Relationship

And we should believe that about them and they should believe that about themselves too for all our sakes. As all adults definitely must! If he in any way does anything to deter your health or goes against your wishes, or violates consent then that is a major red flag. Sister, so do you! Men, women, society… expect women to be beautiful all the time. We are expected to smell nice, to be clean, to shave, to style our hair, to be thin, and yet have lots of curves, to use make-up and yet to look natural, to dress nicely, to have perfect skin, etc. We are slowly learning to do this for our benefit and not for others. But the pressure is there, and it is not so easy to ignore. I understand men have other expectations and pressures which just goes to show just how the patriarchy affects us all. These are only a few of the things men get applauded for when they should really be just normal, ordinary, basic things all adults should do. Putting the bar so low for men is detrimental to both men and women because for women it means that they always have to settle for the bare minimum effort, that they have to lower their standards, and accept less than they give or are willing to give. There are great men out there, we can have faith and believe in their capabilities and abilities to be functional adults and to be loving, caring, and affectionate as well as have a good life of their own. One time I was talking with a student who was telling me about a great math teacher he had. Before this teacher, he had never been good at maths nor did he like them. He had almost failed math in previous years so he never thought he would do well on maths, nor had his previous teachers expected him to so he made zero effort to change. But this new teacher expected him to understand the topics, she expected him to get good grades, to ask questions, and show interest, she expected excellence from him as she did from all of her students. She let him know she believed it was within his abilities and capacities to do so. And what did he do?He made sure to become the student his teacher was sure he could be. And he was grateful for it, he passed maths with excellent grades, and his ideas about himself changed: He was now someone who was good at maths and smart enough to get good grades. It makes you want to make a real effort. I think about this conversation often and I think it applies to life and to relationships as well. And that is exactly what good relationships do, they bring out the best in us, they bring us back to ourselves, and help us to connect again. They help us to strive, to grow, to expand, to evolve… not the other way around. Having standards gives both men and women an opportunity to grow, to reach high and far, to level up. If we all show standards and we are all willing to work and care for a partner who will meet us at our own level, not accepting less or the bare minimum, then maybe all of our relationships can improve for all of us. It is always important to remember that when a man dates you he is not doing you a favor. If you are a wonderful woman who is willing to care for others and for yourself, who puts in the effort to know someone at a deep level, who is willing to trust and love… then any man who dates you is not doing you a favor by dating you but in fact, he is having the honor to date someone like you. And the reverse is true too. If you are a man who is not only doing the bare minimum, who has integrity and values, who is a decent, functional adult and who also is willing to go the extra mile and to work on yourself and create a deep, multi-layered relationship with someone who is your equal partner you also definitely deserve someone who is willing to do the same and not settle for less. To women: be not afraid to show standards, to say no, to establish limits. Stop applauding things that should be a must and start believing in your own worth. And to men: be not afraid to be all that you can be and that includes being vulnerable, sensitive, nurturing, loving. Be not afraid to let go of anyone who devalues you and please expect more of yourself. Level up.

Research-Backed Tips on What to Wear on a First Date

Be conscious, be mature, be brave. And to all the men and women who always go the extra mile, who are kind and loving, who work on themselves, who go to therapy, who heal their wounds, who take responsibility and let go of the victim mentality, who want to give rather than take, who are willing to learn and to evolve: thank you for being in this world, your presence is appreciated. And if you do not feel it is sometimes, then appreciate yourselves because love really does start with oneself. Wandererer whose feet follow where the pen leads View more posts. Skip to content The other day I was talking with a friend over coffee. Coffee love. A man being a father. Man being an adult. Cheating for men is so normalised that we make memes about it. You matter.

Respect is a must in Love. Soul Talk. A man being an individual. He leveled up. A relationship of equals. Share this: Tweet. Like this: Like Loading Published by Mariel Torres Wandererer whose feet follow where the pen leads Next Post Next post: Stories and Life. Leave a Reply Cancel reply. Comment Follow Following. The Wandering Writer Join other followers. Sign me up. Already have a WordPress. Log in now. Loading Comments Email Required Name Required Website. Romantic attraction is a complicated thing that scientists still don't completely understand.

Bo Burnham's growth shows the painfully low bar for white men

But, through research and experimentation, they've come up with many ideas about what draws one person to another. Below, we have rounded up some of the most compelling scientific insights about the traits and behaviors that make men more appealing to women. The best part? None of the items on this list require you to do anything drastic like get cosmetic surgery or do a major personality overhaul. We're talking small tweaks, like acting nicer and swapping your deodorant. Rutgers University anthropologist and best-selling author Helen E. Fisher says that women around the world signal interest with a remarkably similar sequence of expressions. As she shared at Psychology Today : "First the woman smiles at her admirer and lifts her eyebrows in a swift, jerky motion as she opens her eyes wide to gaze at him. Then she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, and looks away. This sequential flirting gesture is so distinctive that [German ethologist Irenaus] Eibl-Eibesfeldt was convinced it is innate, a human female courtship ploy that evolved eons ago to signal sexual interest. In one study, researchers at the University of California at Berkeley looked at the behavior of 60 heterosexual male and 60 heterosexual female users on an online dating site. While the majority of users were inclined to reach out to highly attractive people, they were most likely to get a response if that person was about as attractive as they were as judged by independent raters. If they are much less attractive, you are worried that you could do better. And a stud y from Cardiff Metropolitan University found that men pictured in a luxury apartment were rated more attractive than those in a control group. Interestingly, men don't seem to be more attracted to women when they're pictured in a high-status context. Psychologists call it the " George Clooney Effect. As study of 3, heterosexual adults suggested that women often prefer older men. As the women became more financially independent, they said they liked older guys even more. Evolutionary psychologists say that younger women and older men often pair up because while fertility only lasts from puberty to menopause in women, it can extend long into midlife for many men. Society also gives men greater opportunity to accumulate status and resources as they age.In a study from researchers at the University of New South Wales, researchers had heterosexual men and heterosexual women look at images of 10 men in one of four conditions: clean-shaven, light stubble, heavy stubble, or full beard. Participants rated the men pictured on several traits, including attractiveness. Dixson and Robert C. In a study from University of California, Los Angeles, women looked at pictures of shirtless men and indicated which ones seemed like they would make the best long- and short-term partners. Results showed that women were more likely to want short-term relationships with the guys who had big muscles. Characteristics like muscularity are "cues of genes that increase offspring viability or reproductive success," say authors David A. Frederick and Martie G. But Frederick and Haselton took away another telling finding: Less-muscular men were thought to be a better fit for long-term relationships. So if you want to catch a woman's eye and hold her attention, you may be better off not going overboard. One of the best documented findings in psychology is the halo effect, a bias where you unconsciously take one aspect of somebody as a proxy for their overall character. It's why we think beautiful people are good at their jobs, even when they aren't necessarily. As psychologist and writer Scott Barry Kaufman notes, the halo effect works in other ways too. In a Chinese study, more than young people looked at images of men and women's faces and rated them on attractiveness. Each face pictured was paired with a word that described either a positive personality trait — like kindness or honesty — or a negative personality trait, like being evil or mean.

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A cross-cultural study — with participants from China, England, Germany, and the US — found that women are most attracted to men wearing red. In one experiment from the study, 55 female undergrads looked at a colour photo of a man in either a red or green shirt, and then rated the man's attractiveness. Sure enough, the man was rated significantly more attractive when he was wearing a red shirt. The results were similar when researchers compared the red shirt to other colour shirts as well. Interestingly, participants generally weren't aware that the man's clothing colour was influencing their perceptions of his attractiveness. Multiple studies indicate that women are more attracted to men who can make them laugh. In one small French study , a man told a joke to two friends at a bar while a woman sat at a nearby table. Then that man was instructed to approach the woman and ask for her number. In another version of the situation, one of the men who listened to the joke asked the woman for her number. These scenarios were repeated about 60 times total. After the man left, an experimenter approached the woman and asked her to rate the man on attractiveness and intelligence, and to indicate how much she would want to date the man long-term. Results showed that the guy was three times as likely to get the woman's number when he'd told a joke. Plus he was rated more attractive and intelligent. A experiment from the Ruppin Academic Center in Israel and the University of Michigan, concluded that owning a pet signals that you're nurturing and capable of making long-term commitments. It can also help you appear more relaxed, approachable, and happy.Not into pet ownership? Simply being seen with a dog can make you seem more dateable. In a French study from , a year-old man approached hundreds of women and asked for their phone numbers. When he had a dog with him, he was three times more likely to score their digits. In a study , researchers at the University of Sussex asked about 1, women whose average age was 28 to listen to simple and complex pieces of music and rate the attractiveness of the composer. The results showed that women preferred the more complex music, and said they would choose the composer of the more complex music as a long-term partner. Even just holding an instrument could help you get a date. A French study found that men who approached women and asked for their number were more successful when they carried a guitar case, as opposed to a gym bag or nothing at all. Australian researchers recently studied undergrads participating in a speed-dating session, and found that mindful men tended to receive higher attractiveness ratings from women. After each interaction with an opposite-sex partner, students privately indicated how "sexy" they found their partner and how much they'd like to date that person. Results showed that men were generally more drawn to physically attractive women. Independent coders had rated the students' attractiveness beforehand. But women were generally more attracted to mindful men. A study led by researchers at the University of Alaska at Anchorage found that women are attracted to men who take what the researchers call "hunter-gatherer risks. More than undergrads filled out questionnaires about how attractive they would find a partner who engaged in certain risky behaviours, as opposed to a partner who engaged in low- or no-risk behaviours. Hunter-gatherer risks included mountain biking, deep-sea scuba diving, and extreme rollerblading. Results showed that women said they would be more attracted to men who engaged in hunter-gatherer risks — the kinds that were similar to risks faced by ancestral humans. Simply knowing that you're wearing a new fragrance can make you act more confident, and even make you seem more attractive to other people. In a small study published in the International Journal of Cosmetic Science , researchers gave one group of male undergraduates a spray with antimicrobial ingredients and fragrance oil, and provided another group with an unscented spray that didn't contain antimicrobial ingredients. Over the next few days, the men who used the scented spray reported higher self-confidence and felt more attractive.